It is soooo cold!!! I cannot believe it might snow this week...


Something else that is cold.....

teenage girls!


When I was growing up, I hated myself. Mainly because I spent so much time validating myself by how others perceived me. My parents taught me that I was special, but no more special than anyone else.

So...Off I trotted to school with the idea that all people are valuable and deserving of respect. But I also went with the expectation that I too would be viewed valuable and deserving of respect.


HAHAHAHA


I grew up in small town USA, where there was only three types of people.

1. Those WITHOUT money.
2. Those WITH money..
3. Those who acted like they had MONEY.

My parents both worked. We fell somewhere in the middle class.

Some of my classmates were children of the doctors, dentists, and bankers in our town. They were sooo special. Thats what everyone thought. Thats what they thought.

Some of my classmates were children of farmers, grocery store workers, and prison workers. They were special too. But no one told them that...and No one told the well-to-do kids either.

Those kids of the wealthy were known as 'popular.'

The popular kids ruled the school. They walked with their head held high. If there was an argument between them, it was a big deal...to everyone like they were small town celebrities.

They played the sports. They were cheerleaders. They were special.

I thought about it often. I must not be so special after all..my parents must have lied. I don't play sports..I'm not a cheer leader...people didn't care about my relationships.

The popular kids had a way of excluding all others from their group. They may be 'nice' to someone less fortunate because they 'felt sorry' or had 'an obligation' to set an example. Everyone knew they didn't really care about anyone but themselves and their immediate friends (the other 'special' kids).

So, I came home crying. I am fatter than the popular girls'. My hair wasn't as straight as the popular girls'. My family didn't see the necessity in buying me a brand new car at sixteen.
I put myself down for years.

I went away (oh thirty minutes away) to college. A lot of the people I graduated with went too.

Somehow, still surrounded by the popular kids, I began to think differently. I began to view myself as Felicia...someone 'special.'

I would see those 'popular' kids. Amazingly, they wanted to know how I was doing..What was going on in my life...

I would politely converse and go on my way.

I began to surround myself with positive people who had the same beliefs as me. I gave my life to God.

Yesterday, I saw one of the 'popular' girls.

"OH hi Felicia..what are yooouu doing now???"
"Social work..what about you?"
"I am working for...BlahBlahBlahBlah."

Something along the lines of "I have a really important job now..."

I walked away thinking..Wow...some things never change..you are still very special..

But I also thought "I am still very special too."

If I could go back in time (believe me I am so thankful I can't)...I would have validated myself by the way I treated others. I would have found worth in me and others. I would have spent less time worrying if the 'popular' girls would like me..and more time liking me.

I wish I could show those girls who are walking down the same halls that I did how special they are. How wonderful they are.

My Rustic Country Wedding

So, I did tie the knot to the most amazing man on September 5, 2009. We got everything together in Five weeks and across three counties! It was stressful..but the results were amazing.

The colors were Tangerine, Light Blue, and Lilac....

We shoved cake in each other's face and had more fun than a barrel of monkeys. I would not have changed a single thing..I went with my gut and everything came out beautifully

Did that Just Happen??

Life is a whirlwind! I haven't blogged since....July! honestly, I forgot I had a blog until a friend commented on it.

Since July I moved, started a new career, and got married. WOW. Writing that out makes it seem so tini tiny....but living it made it feel so HUGE!
anyway, now that life is going in circles...I have no idea which end is up!

I have experienced the true human condition since starting my job as a social worker...
and boy do I appreciate my life. I also appreciate my husband and my parents more and more every day. I see how life hands some people lemons..and they sell the lemons and buy drugs. I have decided when life hands me lemons..I am going to make lemon bars and eat them all up. I might share...but I'm certain no one wants anything I cook.

Down but not out

I just took a job that is far from anything or anyone I know and love. I went today and found my first apartment and now all I have to do is sign the lease and move in. It is gorgeous. I couldn't ask for a better place to move, but something is missing. I have cried for days and my family is beginning to think I have lost my mind. Especially since I could have taken a job so close to home I would not have had to move. This makes sense to me too. But I feel in my heart that its not what God wants me to do. Sometimes I think that following him should make life easier, however, God never promised that. He said it would be difficult and that we would be persecuted. In history, people were stoned for following HIM. Lucky for me I live in different times.

My heart is broken all the same. I feel like a part of me is dying. One minute I feel exhilarated knowing I am going to be a working professional and taking care of myself. But then I realize what this truly means. It means I will be alone. I won't get to see my mom and dad every day or even every week. It means that I will probably see or talk to my fiance rarely. It means that when I feel sad or lonely I can't curl up on the couch beside my mom and let her brush my hair and tell me she understands.

It also means that if something happens to my parents I will be so far away I will be of little help. I am scared to death. I know this is what God is leading me to do, but I feel like hiding under a rock. I know that he will not let me go alone. I know that not only has he allowed me to take my dog with me, but that he will be there too. I also knows that when I am able to work through my fears and insecurities, I will be able to feel him near me and feel his comforting arms around me. I pray that his will be done, and that he comforts me. I want to go there and accomplish what ever purpose he has in mind. I know I have to. I know I want to.

Ugh..

The first photo is of me 51 lbs ago. The second is me now. Being overweight is driving me crazy. I have tried practically every diet imaginable and I seem to gain weight instead of losing. I would love to have a gym membership again, but considering I do not have employment that is really not an option.

So my four year-old-nephew has come to visit for the weekend. When he comes it appears my diet goes into hiding, along with the cat and other things he terrorizes. This morning he had to have pancakes for breakfast. Then he had to have cupcakes. And Pizza. And we went to Dairy Queen. Needless to say I have a tummy ache from all the sweets we have been ingesting.

We have had tons of fun the past couple of days playing on the slip and slide. He thinks its pretty funny to see FeeFee slide down that thing and end up in the grass. We have also been in his blow up pool this weekend. I was trying to scoop some of the grass out that his little feet had carried in when he said "You have long skinny legs!" This was so exciting even if I knew that in a few years what seems like long skinny legs would really appear to be short and chubby.

But I decided to bask in the moment for a while until my dad says "maybe some of the medicine you take makes you gain weight." Seriously, did he just ruin my moment? Yes he did.
So now as I lie here awake thinking about every bite of food I had today, he is sound asleep in his cozy bed not having any idea the impact his words just had.

Its true I have gained quite a bit of weight. But I didn't need him to point it out! I was well aware of the fact when my clothes began to stop fitting.

So...starting tomorrow, the diet is back on. I also want to start running, although I know that will cause a battle all in itself. My dad will say "dogs will chase you" or "its too hott" or "there are cars on the road"..all things any 23 year old already knows. I have some workout videos I enjoy doing too...

Particualrily Richard Simmon's Party off the Pounds. This video cracks me up. No matter what kind of mood I am in, I can do this video and I am laughing by the end. Richard makes it so light hearted and fun..and its apparent he truly understands the way an overweight person is feeling..because he too was overweight..unlike so many of these other fitness instructors who wouldn't know fat if it sat on their lap and called them momma.

So America..I need to lose at least 50 pounds before I am healthy again. This will be really difficult for me because I have low blood sugar and I get very sick when I don't eat every two hours. It also doesn't help that I feel I should be able to eat everything everyone else is eating. I need support, but I know I can do this because I have done it before. Prayers would be appreciated. Becasue "I CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

If you have any tips I would also love to hear them..because what I am doing is obviously not working.

I can do...

I was watching tv earlier and heard a man say "I can do anything I put my mind to." I thought about this for a while and realized this statement really makes no sense. The idea of putting my mind to something..or anything...seems a little vague, and gross. Perhaps a better way to 'put' it is "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Phillipians 4:13.

This way I don't have to take my mind out and stick it to anything..that might not be sanitary.

If only I could sleep!

I am sitting here awake when I would love to be sleeping! I have a bunch of things to do later today and have yet to get any sleep! I need to go pick up some things from town, do laundry, study for my licensure exam and I volunteer on Tuesday evenings from five to nine.

I am having mixed emotions about this licensure exam. I am so excited that I have finally made it this far...that I am so close to being a professional social worker. At the same time, I just paid a whole lot of money to take this test that I could potentially fail!

I also bought the study guide so I would have better odds of passing. Tomorrow, I am going to get out my notes from my classes and my books (yes I am a pack rat). I know I can pass this thing with flying colors (whatever that means).

I also can not wait to get a JOB!!! These days all I hear is budget this..economy that...and I think..wow...this really stinks for those of us who need jobs! I am hoping that things begin to look up pretty soon.

In the mean time, I am going to do everything I can to make myself more marketable to employers...even if it means paying to take a licensure exam!

Being an Adult is tough

As children we dream of being all grown up. I remember wearing my moms shoes and clunking on he kitchen floor. I couldn't imagine what on earth adults would have to complain about. Unfortunately I became an adult in one of the worst economic times America has encountered. I am trying to find a Social Work job. I have had three interviews recently, and I feel pretty confident about them. I am excited to get my adult life started, but also very scared. I am sure everyone has the same fear of failure. But I know I will be fine. I have God on my side. If he is for me who can be against me?

All you ever need to know.

"For all have sinned; all fall short of God's glorious standard." Romans 3:23
"But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners." Romans 5:8
"For "Anyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved." Romans 10: 13.

What more does one need to know?

Decisions

I spent the past five years of my life working towards a degree. When I finally graduated on May 9th, I was so proud of myself. For once in my life I felt like I had truly accomplished something wonderful--just for me. Now its over a month later and I am miserable! I have applied to several jobs and for the longest time heard nothing. Last week I had an interview and it went awesome. I have two more next week, and I am sure they will be great too. One would imagine I would be on top of the world right now, however, my heart is broken. I decided to give my heart to God five years ago. I have grown so much in him and all I want now is to please him. He said it wouldn't be an easy way of life and he was right.

The fact is I want him to guide my life and I want to follow with a merry heart. My family is pretty upset with me because they think I might move away to hurt them. The crazy part is no one on earth could ever love them like I do. I want to be a good daughter, but I have to be a good daughter to God first. I have cried my eyes out. Mostly because I just want my family to support me and be proud of me. I want them to be there for me and tell me that it I can do anything.

If you could just take a moment and pray for me I would appreciate it. If God is for me who can be against me? I keep trying to remind myself of that. I know that God has an amazing plan for me and I can't wait to see what it is.

a great date.

The weather in Kentucky on a day like this is unbeatable. I went to Church this morning and the preacher preached about Abner's death, and how it relates to us. He said that just like Abner, we have a city of refuge in God (He gave the background on Abner and the Law of the Avenger and cities of refuge). Its sad that people die all the time just like Abner, knowing there is a place of refuge, but chosing to stay outside of it when our avenger could be there at any moment.



After Church, I came back to my fiance's family's house and enjoyed some time alone. His mom and little brother went out of town to visit someone in the hospital and do some shopping. His dad fell asleep rather quickly watching Gladiator. My fiance had to work today until 5. I was looking so forward to him getting off from work because we were going to celebrate our anniversary tonight. Three years and some odd days ago we went on our first date to the drive in. Every year since we have been to the drive in as our anniversary date. Yesterday was actually the anniversary of when we started dating, but we had agreed to go out tonight becasue his friend's bachelor party was last night.



While I waited on him I sat out by the pool and caught some rays. I have to admit I might have set out there too long considering how light complected I am. I read some from Breaking Dawn and splashed my feet in the water. It felt amazing. After that, I came inside and watched Night at the Museum because the second movie would be playing at the drive in. I wanted to be prepared. After that I resumed reading in my book until Travis got home.



He had suprised me earlier when he said he was on call for the night (he's a deputy). We had decided to go on and go out anyway. We ordered a pizza and went on our way. The first feature was UP and I loved it. The second was Night at the Museum 2-it was great too. I enjoyed this time with my sweetheart so much. We laughed and giggled and held hands. I am so blessed to have this man in my life.

Thank You Father!

Today has been absolutely beautiful. The sky was so blue and the clouds so white...The air felt so fresh and clean in my nose and lungs. I raised my hands to the sky and just said a little prayer thanking God for allowing me to see this day. It feels amazing to be alive on such a wonderful day.

In addition to this beautiful day, I have a wonderful bunch of Christians to share it with. My mom recently gave her life back to God. This was one of my prayers answered. My mom and dad have been going to church and I know they will only benefit from being involved in the body of Christ.

My fiance is also a Christian. He is the kind of man we all dream of having, and God has blessed me so much to have him. I realize now that I have wanted someone like him more than anything in my life, but I have never believed I deserved someone like him. I pretended to be satisfied with less than amazing for years, and I am so happy to know that I can say I love him completely and mean it. Tomorrow we will have been together for 3 years!

I have so much to be thankful for. I find more things that are beautiful and wonderful in my life ever day. My heavenly father is amazing, and deserving of praise!

realization

I just realized I will never dance with my dad at my wedding. I know we had decided not to have dancing at our wedding, but it breaks my heart to think that someone could take away that moment from me... I am just so thankful he is alive and well to walk me down the isle..I never thought it would bother me, but its breaking my heart.

Talking to Myself...

What confuses me is the fact that if I tried to pressure someone into doing something bad for them, or illegal, they would jump on the band wagon. But when I ask them to come with me to church they are so hesitant and eventually refuse. I have been praying for help. I need God to show me how to help those I love so much. I want more than anything to know that when I get to heaven those I care so much about will be there.