Down but not out

I just took a job that is far from anything or anyone I know and love. I went today and found my first apartment and now all I have to do is sign the lease and move in. It is gorgeous. I couldn't ask for a better place to move, but something is missing. I have cried for days and my family is beginning to think I have lost my mind. Especially since I could have taken a job so close to home I would not have had to move. This makes sense to me too. But I feel in my heart that its not what God wants me to do. Sometimes I think that following him should make life easier, however, God never promised that. He said it would be difficult and that we would be persecuted. In history, people were stoned for following HIM. Lucky for me I live in different times.

My heart is broken all the same. I feel like a part of me is dying. One minute I feel exhilarated knowing I am going to be a working professional and taking care of myself. But then I realize what this truly means. It means I will be alone. I won't get to see my mom and dad every day or even every week. It means that I will probably see or talk to my fiance rarely. It means that when I feel sad or lonely I can't curl up on the couch beside my mom and let her brush my hair and tell me she understands.

It also means that if something happens to my parents I will be so far away I will be of little help. I am scared to death. I know this is what God is leading me to do, but I feel like hiding under a rock. I know that he will not let me go alone. I know that not only has he allowed me to take my dog with me, but that he will be there too. I also knows that when I am able to work through my fears and insecurities, I will be able to feel him near me and feel his comforting arms around me. I pray that his will be done, and that he comforts me. I want to go there and accomplish what ever purpose he has in mind. I know I have to. I know I want to.

Ugh..

The first photo is of me 51 lbs ago. The second is me now. Being overweight is driving me crazy. I have tried practically every diet imaginable and I seem to gain weight instead of losing. I would love to have a gym membership again, but considering I do not have employment that is really not an option.

So my four year-old-nephew has come to visit for the weekend. When he comes it appears my diet goes into hiding, along with the cat and other things he terrorizes. This morning he had to have pancakes for breakfast. Then he had to have cupcakes. And Pizza. And we went to Dairy Queen. Needless to say I have a tummy ache from all the sweets we have been ingesting.

We have had tons of fun the past couple of days playing on the slip and slide. He thinks its pretty funny to see FeeFee slide down that thing and end up in the grass. We have also been in his blow up pool this weekend. I was trying to scoop some of the grass out that his little feet had carried in when he said "You have long skinny legs!" This was so exciting even if I knew that in a few years what seems like long skinny legs would really appear to be short and chubby.

But I decided to bask in the moment for a while until my dad says "maybe some of the medicine you take makes you gain weight." Seriously, did he just ruin my moment? Yes he did.
So now as I lie here awake thinking about every bite of food I had today, he is sound asleep in his cozy bed not having any idea the impact his words just had.

Its true I have gained quite a bit of weight. But I didn't need him to point it out! I was well aware of the fact when my clothes began to stop fitting.

So...starting tomorrow, the diet is back on. I also want to start running, although I know that will cause a battle all in itself. My dad will say "dogs will chase you" or "its too hott" or "there are cars on the road"..all things any 23 year old already knows. I have some workout videos I enjoy doing too...

Particualrily Richard Simmon's Party off the Pounds. This video cracks me up. No matter what kind of mood I am in, I can do this video and I am laughing by the end. Richard makes it so light hearted and fun..and its apparent he truly understands the way an overweight person is feeling..because he too was overweight..unlike so many of these other fitness instructors who wouldn't know fat if it sat on their lap and called them momma.

So America..I need to lose at least 50 pounds before I am healthy again. This will be really difficult for me because I have low blood sugar and I get very sick when I don't eat every two hours. It also doesn't help that I feel I should be able to eat everything everyone else is eating. I need support, but I know I can do this because I have done it before. Prayers would be appreciated. Becasue "I CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

If you have any tips I would also love to hear them..because what I am doing is obviously not working.

I can do...

I was watching tv earlier and heard a man say "I can do anything I put my mind to." I thought about this for a while and realized this statement really makes no sense. The idea of putting my mind to something..or anything...seems a little vague, and gross. Perhaps a better way to 'put' it is "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Phillipians 4:13.

This way I don't have to take my mind out and stick it to anything..that might not be sanitary.